Matrimonial mish-mashes - Part I

Note: This post was supposed to be put up after a couple of other entries. But what with matrimonial blues being in season (or in fashion :P), I decided to let this one get ahead. This one’s from the girl’s perspective! Enjoy, folks! :-)
And in case some of you get alarmed reading it, please understand that some parts have been tweaked or exaggerated to suit the theme. But otherwise, I’ve stayed loyal to the original plot.



It all started when my friends started getting married one after the other. It sent my parents into panic mode.
The trouble with having 4 sets of parents (my parents are separated and now happily remarried to their respective partners) and being on good terms with ALL of them is that you have 4 sets of parents after your life, urging you to get married! As if 2 weren’t bad enough! Heaven save me! [Now all I need to do is find a guy whose parents are divorced and remarried happily as well, and I'll have 8 sets of parents (and in-laws) to cater to... and I can cheerfully jump off a cliff!! LOL]



I had begun to visualise dramatic nightmares of all 4 parents sitting together around a round table wearing black hoods and masks like in the Hindi mobster movies and conspiring to get me married.
Dad (whispering): We need to finalise the deal
Mom (whispering): But how? She won’t agree..!
Step-mom (sinister tone): We’ll have to use chloroform!
Step-dad (threatening): The job has to be done before she wakes up!
Dad (whispering again): So let’s set up the venue and the boy. I’ll handle the rest!
And then the deal will be made, secret passwords and plans to work against me exchanged, and they will all slink away into the night in different directions…
OK so I have a hyper-active imagination! :D But honestly, doesn’t that sound like a perfect setting for a nightmare??

OK to set the stage: here’s a quick flashback to put things in perspective. Without my knowledge, my mom had put up my profile on one of the matrimonial sites. I raised hell when I came to know it and swore never to venture there (except for occasional entertainment to laugh at some clownish proposals :D ). For more than a year, the profile rotted there – until some days back, after incessant nagging from my parents, I decided to edit and spruce it up a bit. No harm in humouring them… that will keep them off my back for awhile. In the meantime I did come across a couple of interesting profiles and decided to have a preliminary round of discussion with my parents. We need to set expectations right first of all, isn’t it?

Given below are excerpts of conversation that took place between my dad and step-mom (with me and my younger bro as side-players). Discussion of online matrimonial profiles was on in full swing.

PROFILE 1:
Me: “He’s finished his B.Com and…”
Dad: “That’s it? The guy’s just a graduate?”
Me: “Um…yes?”
Dad: “Drop it. He isn’t worth it.”
What?!
Me (wailing): “But dad…!”
Dad: “No buts! He needs to have done his post-graduation atleast… That shows he is dedicated to his task!”
Er…come again? OK, this one I couldn’t resist.
Me: “Ok, but see what if the guy has done his engineering? It means 4 years of education total. When I finished my B.A. and went on for M.A. I took a total of 4 years too. Doesn’t that mean we’re both equal?”
Dad (looking flummoxed): “Er…”
It took him a moment to spot my cheeky grin and he snapped: “Smart-ass!”

PROFILE 2:
Me (showing him the profile of a fairly goodlooking guy): “He looks nice na… quite intellectual and mature…”
Dad: “Listen to me! The guy shouldn’t be too good looking…”
Huh?
“If they’re too good looking, they’ll attract too many women. Plus they are likely to be flirts. So you’re better off with someone not that handsome.”
Me (trying hard to keep a straight face): Right. Go for the ugliest bloke possible. Check!
Dad whirls around and glares at me: “That’s NOT what I meant!!”
Hearing this, mom butted in with her two cents.
Mom (in horror): “There’s no way I am going to tolerate an ugly, bald guy as my son-in-law!”
Sheesh! Since when did baldness enter the equation?
Me (timidly): “OK no baldness… what about grey hair? These days youngsters tend to have grey hair earlier…” I trailed off seeing the exasperated looks they gave me and shut my mouth for sometime.
Mom (after a pause): “That’s what hair colours are for…”
Sigh… Oh well, back to square one…

“Keep it coming!”
I looked up to see my bro standing there with a huge grin on his face. My eyes widened…
Surely that wasn’t a….
“Cam-recorder! I’ve switched it on! These will make awesome home videos. Plus I can show them to your hubby the day he…well… becomes your hubby I guess!” he countered cheekily.
Home-videos??? Oh my goodness!
I sprang off my seat in a flash and chased him. “Are you nuts?? Give that back!!” I screamed.
“No way!” he sprinted round and round the dining table, while keeping it in record mode. I won’t be surprised if it can be labelled as ‘rollercoaster ride video’ by the time it’s finished!

By the time I finally snatched it from him and realised he wasn’t really recording it at all, my bro had collapsed with laughter on the bed. “You guys are nuts! Why the hell are you getting her married off now? She has plenty of time. Wait till she is atleast 28…!” My parents gave him looks that could kill … “Oh right… umar beeth jayegi thingie…” he mimicked Mom. My parents glared at him with a look that said say-one-more-word-and-we’ll-stuff-a-sock-down-your-throat! He finally grumbled to himself and left.

PROFILE 3:
Me: “This guy works in the television industry as a creative director… his profile looks interesting. He’s added a touch of humour to his prof…”
Dad (cutting in): “No way! Television industry? Drop that!”
Me: “What? But why?”
Dad: “Media industry is full of freaks and womanisers. You are better off with someone who has studied something else.”
Me: “What??? Dad, I also belong to that very same industry!”
Dad: “I TOLD you that you shouldn’t have chosen that stream. Now it’s too late for you to change! Now don’t make this personal.”
What who where when…? OK now I’m confused! Where was this heading?


I throw up my hands in frustration. I haven’t even started on my expectations yet and already this is how things were heading. Going at this rate, we’ll have to artificially create a Frankenstein…er… I mean, Adonis and place him next to them to gain their consent!
Me (patiently): “Dad you have to be willing to compromise somewhere… be it looks, education, family, job or…”
Dad: “Money!”
Me (thinking I didn’t hear right): “What?!!”
Dad: “He need not have that big a bank balance. As long as he has the potential to earn it along the way…” his voice faded as he came to see the expression of horror on my face.

I concluded that my dad’s a sadist who wants to get me married to an ugly pauper. Jeez, that sure increases the list of suitors and reduces expectations alright!


That’s when my cousin made his appearance. Talk about saviours!
Mom (disappearing into the kitchen): “So what happened to that girl you went to see the other day?”
Cuz: “Oh that didn’t work out! I didn’t like the ladoos they served at that house.”
My head snapped up and I stared at him in shock. It took me a moment to spot the impish smile twitching at the corner of his lips.
And then came the best piece of advice I heard all day, as he took me aside and told me: “You believed that answer? You’re taking the whole thing seriously? You ought to be horsewhipped! Idiot! As for your “groom” hunt, don’t worry about it too much. Just take it as a journey… and somewhere along the way you will eventually run into the right person. Until then enjoy the experience… you won’t get to savour it again. Remember that! I honestly hope you don’t!! (OK he IS a wise-guy! :P) And besides, you need some howlarious stories you can narrate to your grandchildren right?”

Things didn’t sound so bad when he put it in THAT perspective! Anyway fortunately I eventually managed to convince my parents to postpone the search until after another year… although whether they have the patience to wait until then is a doubtful matter.

Now if this is the hulabuloo with one set of parents, I don’t even want to know the expectations of the other set – my mother and step-dad! LOL By the time they sort out a mile-long list of qualities for the bridegroom I will be in a state to be buried alive peacefully… along with the list of my own expectations for company!! :P (And for those of you who want to die laughing... they have actually commented in the comments section :-/ parents and their sense of humour, I tell you!!)

But I am sure I’ll be back with more interesting stories by then! Stay tuned for the second part… this series will continue … sigh… until I get married I guess!!! Until then…toodle-oo! :D