Matrimonial Mish-mashes - Part V

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If a trip to my home-town is due, can a post be far behind?? :D
Presenting – the best of the Matrimonial Mish-mashes series YET! Enjoy, folks!
P.S. – And unlike many of the previous posts in this series where I admit that situations have been tweaked or exaggerated to create the element of humour/entertainment/drama…this entire post is EXACTLY as it happened to me. So you can probably imagine…
And yes, I was laughing all through remembering and writing this post! :D


My 2-week visit to Kerala began with coursing through profiles of some 200-odd guys that my mother dug up from somewhere. Needless to say, I literally fell asleep half-way through it…leaving my mother exasperated. Far more effective than sleeping pills and boring lectures in Chemistry class combined, I tell you! By the time I was done with reading the whole lot, I had myself lost track of what my own criteria for a partner were!!!

The next part happened during the 2nd part of my visit, to my step-mom’s place in Ottapalam. The astrologer was brought in for a house-reading (prashnam vekkal – Keralites would have an idea of this). I wanted to have some fun with this guy…particularly considering the last proposal this guy had bet his boots on, had withered out. He had been so damn sure of it working out that it scared both me and the guy into saying ‘no’!!! LOL !
Before I could open my mouth to ask him what went wrong to his wonderful predictions, the guy hastily read through my grihanila and quickly pronounced that in my horoscope there is a chance of 2 proposals coming close to marriage and then breaking off. Talk about prelimnary bail ! Gee…I wonder what stopped him from predicting this earlier on?? :P Yeesh!

Next in line was a lecture session from my grandfather.
Grandpa: Listen, kid. For a guy to fall in love with you, you need to look ………attractive (yes, he chose the most diplomatic word)! You should wear more feminine dresses to attract guys’…er…people’s attention.
Me: Huh?!!
Uncle (looking amused): He means you should wear sari.
Me (in protest): But that is here…once in awhile. In my normal everyday life with office and everything, obviously I cant follow that principle.
Grandpa: Ok fair enough. But you should be more feminine in apperance. Look at you! You dress like an army captain! The only difference between me and you is that you have longer hair than me!!

What!!!!
My jaw dropped in shock and I stared at him!!!
My uncle tried to defuse the situation: Dad, different people have different concepts of beauty. Jeans and top may be preferred by modern men.
Grandpa (considering this for a moment): OK fair point.
Me: But I can’t help it. I wear western formals to office. What if I spot a cute guy in office? He’ll see me in this only.
Grandpa: You fool ! Invite him out for a coffee wearing a more feminine dress! Do I have to spell everything out for you?!
Wow!! Talk about a dynamite grandfather!

Uncle (looking a bit alarmed): Dad what are you advising her?!
Grandpa: Shush! This is all from guys’ perspective. Otherwise how will she know?!
Uncle: Er…um…
If this hadn’t been happening to me, I’d be ROFL by now!
Mental note to myself at that point of time: Better put this down in the MM post. Nobody will believe me though!!

Grandpa: And furthermore, a bit of exposure won’t hurt you. Maybe a low cut back for that sari blouse, a bit of showing the tummy with your pallu…things like that you know. Men are very visual in nature!
By this time my uncle had reached stage of panic. He shouted aloud to my grandmom who came running to the verandah dropping all her things in the kitchen. Mission Chastity!! I was quickly herded off to the inside room and my indignant grandpa was given a scolding as to what all nonsense he was teaching me!!
I had trouble holding onto my non-stop laughter until I reached my own room!! :D

It was Onam time and I finally decided to follow his advice (only the first part) and dressed into a set-mundu – the traditional sari-like dress of Kerala. Grandpa was pleased to see it and so was everyone else. Then his smile faded.

Grandpa (looking doubtful): Maybe you should adjust the sari so that it looks more….
Uncle (looking scandalized): Don’t even think about it! The sari is fine as it is! Dad, will you stop giving her fancy ideas!!!
I had to choke myself not to giggle.

The highlight of the visit was when dad had called over a studio photographer to take pictures of the family, since we were all gathering together after a long time. And then he proceeded to unveil the mousetrap with the cheese in it – me being the stupid effervescent mouse of course. He was called under the pretext of taking everyone’s photograph …and later dad announced firmly that he wanted the photographer to take a whole lot of my pictures alone for showing prospective grooms. Since I had refused to go to the studio to get it done, dad brought him home instead!! No amount of protests, tantrums or cribbing could get me away from this one sadly. Then the fun began.

Me (thinking internally): They want me to pose??? Alright I’ll give them poses!!
Me: What about Lord Vishnu lying down? Or maybe a pose as a trans-gender person? Or best yet – Shankuntala with the thorn on her feet?!!! :D :D Very romantic, don’t you think?
The photographer stared at me in terror wondering which mental asylum had I escaped from. Little did he know what was waiting for him!
My grandparents doubled up laughing.
Grandpa: You are impossible!
Dad rolled his eyes to indicate he was sick and tired of listening to me.

The portfolio session began. For no particular reason, I was annoyed at the photographer also and decided to pull his leg also in the process. But to his credit, he was a patient guy…and much experienced – he tried talking to me to make me more comfortable before the camera. I am honestly a person far more comfy BEHIND the camera rather than BEFORE it, but surprisingly I found that this wasn’t so bad at all, once I got into the groove.
The initial few shots were embarrassing, to say the least. I was standing to one side of the compound which had a bit of scenery, and my relatives (yes – uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents – eeeeyaghh!!) were standing to the other end on the porch wing of the house keeping an eye out for me – or rather, the photographer just in case I decided to molest him!!!

After the first session wearing the traditional set mundu was over, I came over to where my relatives were sitting.
Me: Dad my dress is all spoilt coz I had to sit on those steps. The money to drysclean this is coming out of your salary!
The expression on my dad’s face told me it’s better if I don’t open my mouth in front of him anymore…else it would suicidal for me!

The next dress change was with a jeans and top. We went to another side of the compound – and to be honest it very much helped that I was standing in my home rather than a photo studio with artificial lights et al. I made a couple of poses by the gate, peeked out of the corner of my eye and saw my relatives engrossed in conversation. I tried to quietly sneak out of the gate and escape, but my other uncle’s sharp eyes caught it.
Uncle: Oy! Where are you off to? You don’t have to leave yet!!!
Me (turning it into a joke): No no I am leaving the country…I am sick of this!
Aunt (cheerfully): No problem! We’ll find you an NRI groom to suit your purpose!!!

Why, oh why, do people have to give such terrifying responses to harmless comments? :-/ Sadists!!!

I changed into a salwar suit later.
Me: I know!! I got just the pose… what about Sridevi with her dupatta in the air… and running straight towards the camera…like in the movie ‘Chandni’???!!! :D
By then the photographer ignored me.
He then made me pose next to my uncle’s car. And in the end – believe it or not – he made my climb onto the bonnet of the car lie down sideways there!! (I wanted to try a ‘Superman’ pose but I guess he wouldn’t have taken it anyway! :P )

Photographer (whom I shall now refer to as ‘P’): We better take this photo quickly before people see this.
Me (laughing): Don’t blame me if the guy’s parents sue your studio for misleading them to think the car is free with the girl !!
By this time P also started laughing.

The final session ended on the background of our house terrace. I was determined to give this guy a run for his money.
The pathway to the terrace is a little tricky with a flight of steps and a mini-ladder at the end to reach the topmost area.
Me: Lets go up there..nice view!
P (looking hesitant): Are you sure?
He peered up at the distance.
Me (looking innocent): Why? You are not ok with climbing there? I thought you wanted a different backdrop…
P (hastily): Of course, of course. We photographers are trained to go anywhere and everywhere for our work. I’m ready if you are.

Poor devil !! I moved ahead and swiftly climbed up like a lithe monkey. A considerable amount of time later, the photographer came behind me puffing and panting, precariously balancing his precious camera.
P (taking deep gulps of air): Are you used to climbing this each time when you come here?
Me (grin): What do you think??

Needless to say, I drove that photographer nuts. I wont be surprised if he resigns shortly!! Or at the very least, gets an appointment with a therapist! :D

However towards the end of the terrace photo-session, the photographer even complimented me that I look like a Malayalam film actress in some poses - Keralites would be familiar with yester-year beauty Sumalatha. As long as it is not Shakeela or Silk Smitha, I am ok !! :D
Me (wide grin): Wow!! Now I can die a happy lady!! :D
Me (thinking internally): Boy! This guy must be REALLY desperate to get the money for this job!!! :-/
Look at the amount of lies people say to make a living!! LOL!

In all honesty, the photo-shoot was fun too. Felt as if I was being pampered with all the attention and dress changes and attention to detail. Soon I got into the groove with some nice poses. I’ve never had anybody take so many photos of myself at one go at any point of time in my life the way it happened this time! If it had been a cute guy taking this…and not a paid photographer…I’d be flattered and think the guy is in love with me. Why do these things happen only in movies? :-(


P.S.:
Overheard is the conversation between the photographer and my grandmother.
Photographer: Oh so she is not settled here? She works in Delhi/Mumbai?
Grandmother: Yes
Photographer: Better she searches for a guy from there rather than here.

Sheesh! :-/ Even the photographer doesn’t think I can get a guy here!
I’m a gone case! Sayonara people… !! *Sob sob*